Smash Burgers

§ PROCEDURE

1. In a large bowl, combine 2 lbs ground beef with the sage, thyme, fennel powder, cayenne, nutmeg, brown sugar, fine salt, and MSG. Mix thoroughly until the seasonings are evenly distributed throughout the meat. Do not overwork — mix just until combined.
2. Divide the meat into equal portions. For thinner smash patties (the classic format), use 2–3 oz portions and plan to stack two per burger. For a single, thicker patty, use 4–5 oz. Roll each portion into a loose ball.
3. Pre-flatten each ball: place it on the work surface and press down firmly with a heavy plate or a tortilla press until it forms a flat disc. This pre-forms the patty shape before it hits the pan.
4. Heat a cast iron skillet or griddle over high heat until very hot — a drop of water should evaporate on contact. Place one or two patties on the surface without crowding. Immediately press down hard with a grill press or the back of a heavy spatula to smash them as flat as possible. Hold the pressure for about 10 seconds.
5. Let the patties cook undisturbed for 2–3 minutes until the edges are visibly dark and a deep brown crust has formed on the underside. Do not move or press again — the crust needs time to develop.
6. Flip each patty. Immediately place a slice or two of American cheese on top. Cook for 1 more minute until the cheese is fully melted and the second side has some color.
7. Assemble to taste: spread mayonnaise on both cut sides of the bun. Add one or two patties, sliced tomato, sliced onion, pickles, and lettuce. Serve immediately.

§ OBSERVED RESULT

The smash against the hot surface creates a dark, lacy crust on the underside within the first two minutes — irregular at the edges where the meat thinned under pressure. The American cheese melts completely, flowing over the edges of the patty. The assembled burger is taller than it looks manageable but compresses under light pressure. Earth specimens consumed these faster than any other entry in this archive. The anniversary was appropriately observed.